


Tino and the Chocolate Factory

by WatermelonAntlers



Category: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - All Media Types, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Crack, Ew, Like god, M/M, Okay note that I don’t actually ship any of that, golden ticket, i repeat crack, inflation for chocolate bars is a bitch, this is utterly pure crack btw, tino is poor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 08:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17915042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WatermelonAntlers/pseuds/WatermelonAntlers
Summary: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and Hetalia crossover, with a touch of sleep depravation.I hate myself





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this while travelling so there wasn’t any wifi for autocorrect (bc apparently autocorrect needs wifi) and I’m too lazy to edit it so,,,
> 
> Also, I’m sorry.

    The Bucket Family was not a very rich family, barely with enough money for meals each day, but they were a happy family. All they needed was their cabbage patch, their little house, Ivan Bucket’s job at the toothpaste factory, and of course their little Tino Bucket. 

    Of course each had their own wishes for the family or themselves. Ivan wished for a better job that could support his family better, and possibly they could have another “become one” with the Buckets.

    Yao Bucket wished for Tino to get past this life, and grow up to be the best he could. Preferably through straight A’s.

    Grandma Kiku Bucket and Grandpa Lovino Bucket both just wished to GET OUT OF THIS DAMN BED. 

    Grandpa Mathias Bucket mainly wished to be entertained, getting bored easily and hour to hour. Though occasionally he would allow himself to dream about his old job at the chocolate factory in town.

    Grandma Feliciano had many wishes, though not so much anymore thanks to his dementia. Now he mainly just thinks about pasta and other Italian foods.

    Then it came to little Tino Bucket. Only in 5th Grade Tino’s wishes came and went, tho a recurring wish was to see inside of the chocolate factory in town. The chocolate factory was alleged as the world’s biggest chocolate industry to humankind, Wonka-Bonnefoy ChocolatieringTM.

    That is why when an announcement from Francis Wonka Bonnefoy himself shooketh Tino Bucket’s entire world.


	2. 5 Golden Tickets - Chapter 1

December 24th    9PM Eastern Standard Time

Bonjour, hola, ciao, and general greetings to everyone of the world.

I, Francis Wonka Bonnefoy, will be opening my doors of the chocolate factory to five children of earth. 

These children will be chosen by their finding of a golden ticket in one of my marshmallow deluxe chocolate bars, and on the 2nd of February they will be given a tour of the factory by me personally and a lifetime supply of chocolate.

I excitedly await the arrival of the five children and five guardians.

 

~Francis Wonka Bonnefoy 

 

    It was the second day the poster had been put up when the crowd around it finally dwindled and Tino was able to get a look at it.

    “Mom! Dad!” Tino yelled five minutes after he saw the poster, as he ran into the Bucket’s tiny house, “Grandpa! Grandma! Papa! Nana!”

    “Woah, Tino! Why in such big rush???” Yao asked Tino, waving a cabbage cutting knife in his face, “You forget your homework???”

    “Mother, it is a Saturday.”

    “You should still do homework,” Grandma Kiku said from the bed that all the grandparents were laying in.

    “I already did it thoooo!” Tino whined, “Anyways Francis Wonka Bonnefoy is letting five kids into the factory!!”

    Grandpa Mathias choked on his cabbage and Ivan quickly went and did the Heimlich maneuver on him. “Really Tino!?” Grandpa Mathias yelled with his now lettuce free throat.

    “Yeah bitch!”

    “Bitch!”

    “Bitch!”

    “Who’s a bitch?” Grandma Feliciano asked airily.

    “The five children!” Tino yelled, “Francis Wonka Bonnefoy sent out five golden tickets in his chocolate bars!”

    “Like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory?” Grandma Feliciano asked.

    “Yeah!”

    “And you actually expect to get one of these fucking tickets Tino?” Grandpa Lovino asked, “Out of the millions of children who can actually afford to buy more than half of a bar, scavenging for them?”

    “Well uh yeah,” Tino said, shoving his hands in his pockets. He looked down at his shoes, Grandpa Lovino was right, what kind of chance did Tino have?

    “Stfu Lovino,” Grandpa Mathias bitch slapped Grandpa Lovino, “If you could actually get some and impregnate Kiku with Yao, then Tino can get a golden ticket and then some.”

 

    “So like does anybody have a dollar that I can use to go get a bar?” Tino quickly asked before Grandpa Lovino could fuckin e x p l o d e.

    A moment passed with nobody answering and Grandpa Lovino not so discreetly flipping Grandpa Mathias off. 

    Ivan then slowly walked up to Tino and gently pressed a single toonie into his hand, and winked. Not in a suggestive way you perverts, Ivan is Tino’s fucking dad in this. He’s winking in the don’t ask where I got this way.

    “Where’d you even get this Dad?” Tino asked as he pocketed the money.

    “Capitalism.”

 

    Just more than ten minutes later Tino returned with a chocolate bar in hand. He almost knocked down the door he was running so fast.

    “Oof,” Tino said.

    “Well, let’s see if you got it!” Grandpa Mathias said, well more like yelled. Grandpa Lovino rolled his eyes, though he did kinda want some chocolate so he wasn’t going to complain that much.

    Tino ripped open the chocolate bar with his teeth, and revealed the chocolate bar. It was very golden ticket less.

    “Damn it.”


	3. The First Four Tickets - Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Istg I only chose who was who based on where the original characters where from. For example, Veruca Salt was from England (I think) so she is Arthur in this.

    “Live from Berlin, Germany. CBC news,” The news reporter said on the shabby little black and white tv the Buckets had, who were listening in earnestly, “The first Francis Wonka Bonnefoy Golden Ticket has been found!”

    “I tell you,” Grandpa Lovino said, “The first kid will be f a t.”

    “Tell me Ludwig, what were you feeling when you saw the golden ticket?” Another news reporter off camera asked.

    Ludwig was indeed fat. He wiped some chocolate off of his hands and onto his lederhosen and answered, “Well at first I didn’t notice it was a golden ticket. The chocolate bar had tasted funny, and I couldn’t place the taste. Peanut butter? Caramel? The overwhelming shame that stopped my exercise regimen and I let myself go? And then I look down, and I see, it’s the golden ticket!”

    “I told you, fat,” Grandpa Lovino said as Yao unplugged the TV to prevent the electricity bill getting bigger.

   “Do you have a red shoe Mathias?” Grandma Kiku asked. 

    “Go fish.”

 

    Just over a week later another ticket was found, this time in London.

    “Well when my little Arthur asked for a golden ticket,” said the man on the screen, Mr.Feliks Salt, “I just had to get it for him. I had my company workers, who normally make the clothes that I design, to begin unpacking chocolate bars. And then, as expected I got the ticket for my little sweetheart.”

    The spoiled brat himself stood there grinning for the cameras, perfectly groomed and holding the golden ticket. 

    “It took days to find the ticket, but after 9 days of searching I finally got the precious thing,” Mr.Feliks Salt said as he painted his nails a bright pink.

    “I like precious pink,” Grandma Feliciano said.

 

    Then the very same day the next ticket was found by a young man very loudly chewing gum in a blue tracksuit. His name was Lukas Buregard. 

     “And what do you have to say about this Lukas?” The reporter asked.

    “Not much,” Lukas shrugged, staring at the camera.

    “Well…” The reporter said, pausing a second, “Ms.Natalya Buregard what do you have to say on this? Surprised that Lukas got the ticket?”

    “No,” Ms.Natalya Buregard said, staring intensely at the camera. She wasn’t blinking. “The Buregards win everything.”

    “Oh? What has Lukas won before then?”

    “Everything.”

    “Oh um, very specific Ms.Natalya Buregard. Thank you.” 

   “You’re welcome.”

   The camera cut to another reporter, outside the house. “There you go folks, the third golden ticket winner. Brought to you from Fox News in Dallas, Texas.”

    Ivan turned off the TV, he wasn’t at work like he usually was because he was y’know fired. Must’ve been a really shitty worker if he got fired from a toothpaste company.

    “Those people are the most unemotional fucks I’ve ever seen in my life,” Grandpa Lovino said, punching his pillow, “I swear that Buregard kid is high or on some shit.”

    Nobody disagreed with him.

 

    Five minutes later when Yao served cabbage soup as dinner for them all, Tino said through a mouthful of cabbage, “Grandpa Mathias, you worked for Francis Wonka Bonnefoy before right?”

    “You bet.”

    “Do you have any good stories about him then?” Tino asked.

    “Oh tell him about the Indian Prince, Mathias,” Grandma Kiku said, nudging his husband.

    “Oh yes, the Indian Prince,” Grandpa Mathias said, “Well one day a good ten years ago there was this Indian Prince who asked Francis Wonka Bonnefoy for him to make him an entire castle made of only white, milk, and dark chocolate. 

    It took days and days to build, and when it was finally done the Prince thanked Mr.Wonka Bonnefoy for the masterful palace, and Francis Wonka Bonnefoy replied that he better get to eating it soon. The Prince laughed and said that he would not eat in but live in it instead. And so he did, and Francis Wonka Bonnefoy left back to his factory. 

    Then came one hot day, which surprisingly the Prince did not expect. He was kind of a dumbass, since you know its India not fucking Antartica or Canada. The Palace melted, and the Prince and everyone living in the Palace drowned in the melted chocolate.”

    “I asked for a good story Grandpa,” Tino said, putting his bowl of cabbage to the side since he was now done the cabbage.

    “Oh yeah, I forgot,” Grandpa Mathias said, “Have I told you the one where I walked in on Francis Wonka Bonnefoy and the health inspector in a closet?”

 

    “I WON’T LET YOU EAT THE BRAINS OF AMERICA YOU DICKS!” A young blonde kid on the TV screen yelled as he played a videogame.

    “Alfred!” The reporter yelled over the sound of gunshots coming from the videogame, “Alfred!!”

    Alfred paused the game, apparently just noticing the people in his house now, “Oh sup dudes.”

    “Alfred,” Mr. Matthew Teavee, Alfred’s father said, “they asked you a question?”

    “Oh cool,” Alfred said, and then asked the reporter, “Could you repeat it dude?”

    “How did you feel when you found the golden ticket?” The reporter asked.

    Alfred shrugged, “I dunno pretty indifferent. I don’t even like chocolate, hamburgers are the shit tho.”

    “WELL IT’S A DAMN GOOD THING YOU’RE GOING TO A CHOCOLATE FACTORY THEN!!” Grandpa Lovino shouted, permanently damaging Tino’s earbuds.

    “Ah don’t… don’t mind Alfred,” Mr. Matthew Teavee quietly said to the reporter, Tino with his recently damaged earbuds couldn’t even hear him, “He can be a lot.”

     Then the TV cut out bc y’know the Buckets are poor and can’t afford cable and shit.


	4. The Last Ticket - Chapter 3

“Did you hear?” Tino overheard two men passing by saying to each other as Tino walked to school, “Some kid in Ireland found the last golden ticket.” (Was a kid in Russia in the movie but considering Ivan is already Tino’s dad I just changed it)

    “Really? Funny how the tickets only went to the white countries.”

    Tino sighed, the last ticket was gone  _ and  _ Francis Wonka Bonnefoy was a racist.

 

**_Last Ticket Finder Dead From Lead Poisoning in the Ticket!_ **

**_Last night Oliver Kirkland was found dead from lead poisoning induced by the lead in the Golden Ticket. A new lead free version of the Golden Ticket has been shipped in a chocolate bar, however it is highly suggested that the next finder still does not eat the chocolate that comes or the ticket._ **

 

    Tino kinda wanted to kick Francis Wonka Bonnefoy in the balls, when he read this in the newspaper he stole, like the golden ticket killed a kid! 

    Wait, that Ludwig Gloop kid physically ate a chunk of the ticket. How in the hell is he not dead? He must be an alien.

 

    Three days later when Tino was walking home from school for the weekend, and of course he was thinking about the chocolate factory. He thought about the factory so much that you would think he had a crush on the chocolate maker. 

    Which he didn’t. Mainly because he is nine.

    Regardless, Tino was so deep in thought that he almost missed the fifty dollar bill on the ground, “Holy shit!” he said when he saw it. 

    Instead of buying a pair of gloves or shoes or something sensible, Tino ran straight for the chocolate shop. Again mainly because he is nine and stupid but whatever. 

    “50 Marshmallow Deluxes Please!” Tino said to the cashier as he plopped the cash and the chocolate on the table beside the cash register. 

    “Woah woah woah kid,” The cashier said, taking the fifty, “That’s only enough money for one bar.”

    “What the fuck? That’s 50 dollars!” Tino said, glaring down the cashier.

    The cashier shrugged, “With higher demand with the tickets and all, we raised the price. Now pick one and suck it kid.”

    Tino rolled his eyes, and put 49 of them away. The cashier gave him back the chocolate bar he picked out, and the 50 cents of change. Tino took the chocolate and change, “Thanks I guess.” 

 

    When Tino unwrapped the chocolate bar five seconds later, he almost had a heart attack. Resting on the chocolate bar that he just bought was the last golden ticket! “Holy fucking chinken nunget!!” Tino raced out of the store, “Mom!! Dad!!! Papa! Grandpa! Nana! Grandma!!!”

    “Calm down there you caffeinated child!” Grandpa Lovino said as Tino ran into the house, and Tino flipped him off. 

    “I GOT THE LAST GOLDEN TICKETTT!!!!”

    “OH SHITT!” Grandpa Mathias yelled, “YAO GET ME MY CRUTCHES!”

    “Crutches?” Tino asked as Yao grabbed the crutches and gave them to Grandpa Mathias.

    Grandpa Mathias grabbed the crutches and used them to hop out of the bed, given that apparently Grandpa Mathias had no legs.

    “You don’t have legs.”

    “Yeah uh no shit Tino,” Mathias said as he did some sort of dance with no legs and crutches, “How else do you expect us all to fit in that one bed?”

   “Oh, I always wondered how you did that.”

    “Well now you know.”


	5. Ludwig Gloop - Chapter 4

    “Please enter,” Francis Wonka Bonnefoy said over the speakers outside his factory, and the gates to his factory opened. Ludwig and Gilbert Gloop, Arthur and Feliks Salt, Lukas and Natalya Buregard, Alfred and Matthew Teavee, and Tino and Mathias entered the factory grounds, the first humans other than Francis Wonka Bonnefoy himself to set foot in the factory.

    The doors to the actual factory opened and Francis Wonka Bonnefoy gracefully twirled out in a blue cape, and a chocolate rose in his mouth, “Bonjour children and guardians.”

    There was a silence of Francis obviously waiting for them to say hi back, “Hello…” they all murmured in distasteful un-synchronization.

    “Oh you all can do better than that, oui?” 

    “Hi…” They all said slightly louder this time.

    Francis huffed, “Fine be like that you heterosexuals.”

    Mr.Feliks Salt raised his hand lazily, “I’m not heterosexual tho.”

    Francis winked, “Well then if you all will follow me in, unless you want to stay outside in the chocolate-less cold,” He turned around, whipping his cape around, and strutted back into the factory.

 

    The first thing they were met with in the factory was a very long hallway, and a bit too small of a door at the end of it. 

    As they walked down the hall the children were talking amongst themselves. 

    “Where’s the chocolate?” Alfred asked Ludwig.

    “In there,” Ludwig pointed to the door at the end of the hallway, as he took another bite of his chocolate bar.

    “You look poor,” Arthur said to Tino.

    “That’s because I am.”

    “Ew.”

 

    “Alright children, this is the most important room in my factory, so be amazed to your heart’s delight,” Francis said to the children and guardians as he opened the door that apparently only looked like a small door.

     “Holy shit…” Every newcomer chorused.

    “Oh now you all can be in synchronization,” Francis scoffed.

    What the room was was a room full of nature, but candy nature. A chocolate waterfall and river, candy rocks scattered about, peppermint trees, cotton candy bushes, and more. 

    “What is this place?” Lukas asked, displaying a tiny bit of emotion for once. 

    “What this place is is edible. Everything here is edible. Even I’m edible, but that’s a sin in most cultures,” Francis said, winking at Feliks again. Feliks winked back. “Feel free to run around, and play, and get high off candy, and enjoy yourselves to the fullest of your extent.”

    The children and adults alike took off in multiple directions.

 

    More interested in the actual scenery than the candy, considering he’d be getting a lifetime supply soon, Arthur walked around with a lollipop he’d found growing by the chocolate waterfall. 

    Nearby Lukas was making a snowman out of candy pumpkins, and just beside him was Alfred organizing the candy rocks into a pentagram.

    Tino was still decently close to the entrance, helping Grandpa Mathias wobble around on his crutches. Tino was still slightly shook that apparently none of his grandparents had legs.

    Mr.Feliks Salt was still over with Francis, both of them trying to get the candy if you know what I mean.

    Ms.Natalya Buregard was collecting some candy flowers, which she originally planned on giving to her husband but then remembered that her husband didn’t know that they were even married.

    Mr.Matthew Teavee was trying to get some saplings of the maple tree he’d found so he could grow his own, because apparently maple syrup counts as candy??? And I don’t see why he couldn’t just buy a maple tree sapling but I dunno, he was doing it anyway. Maybe he collects maple trees. He probably does.

    Mr.Gilbert Gloop was chasing some of the apparently alive sugar chicks, you know like the ones you get at Easter. He had named one of them Gilbird 2.0, and he’d somehow taught Gilbird 2.0 how to do backflips.

 

    Then of course Ludwig Gloop. To say Ludwig Gloop has let himself go from 2 years ago would be an understatement, he like transformed from a Lion or Wolf or a miscellaneous strong animal to like a pig or something. I’m bad at metaphors. Whatever. Anyway Ludwig was stomping around taking anything within his reach and shoving it directly into his mouth and swallowing without even chewing. 

    Eventually Ludwig got to the chocolate river. He dipped his hands into the river and scooped the surprisingly cold liquid chocolate into his mouth.

    Francis noticed right away, “Hey! Little boy!” he yelled as he took his hand out of Mr.Feliks Salt’s pants, “My chocolate is not for human touch!”

    Without looking up, Ludwig gave Francis the middle finger and continued drinking the chocolate, continually leaning more into the chocolate river with each handful of chocolate. Until he fell in.

    “LUDWIG!” Mr. Gilbert Gloop yelled as his little boy fell into the river, “Help him!” he screamed at Francis, “He knows how to swim, but like he’s too fat to be able too!!”

    “I’ll save him!!” Gilbird 2.0 chirped, and flying off of Mr. Gilbert Gloop’s shoulder he dove into the chocolate and promptly got stuck.

    “GILBIRD 2.0!!” Mr. Gilbert Gloop screamed, louder than he ever had before, “Nevermind Ludwig! Get Gilbird 2.0!!”

    And then because of perfect timing a pipe came and started sucking chocolate from the river, “Help me!!!” Ludwig yelled as he was sucked into the pipe, and was never seen again. Gilbird 2.0 could be seen going up in the pipe with Ludwig.

    “GILBIIIIIIIIIIRDDDDDD 2.0!!!!”

 

    And then suddenly the music started. Tiny little men appeared out of random hiding places, all of them looking the same, and all of them singing.

    “What are those things???” Alfred asked.

    “Those,” Francis responded, pointing towards them, “are my workers.”

    “Okay but like, what  _ are  _ they dude?”

    “Oompa Loompas.”

    “I’ve never heard of them before,” Alfred said.

    “Well maybe you haven’t heard of everything then,” Francis scoffed, “Like personal hygiene.”

    Just before Alfred could retaliate, the Oompa Loompas made a circle around a hole in the ground and began the slow bridge of the song. Slowly, on a platform, a piano was raised and an Oompa Loompa slightly larger than the rest played it.

    As the song ended, the piano playing Oompa Loompa hopped off of the platform and went over to the newcomers and Francis Wonka Bonnefoy.

    “Be a dear and take our dear Gilbert Gloop to the fudge room,” Francis said, crouching down to eye level with the Oompa Loompa, “will you Roderich?”

    The Oompa Loompa, now known as Roderich nodded and grabbed Mr. Gilbert Gloop’s forearm and dragged him over to the piano. One of the other Oompa Loompas presses a button and the platform, Roderich, and Mr. Gilbert Gloop lowered into the ground.


	6. Lukas Buregard - Chapter 5

    “Okay!” Francis clapped his hands, spinning around to face the others, “Next room!” He stepped into a boat in the river that somehow nobody had noticed before, and the others followed him in.

    Turns out the chocolate river boat was more like a white water rapids raft than they thought, in the way that they ALMOST FUcKinG DiEd. But whatever, no biggie.

    “And this is the inventing room!” Francis said as he pushed some doors open to a room that looked straight out of a Disney channel original movie. 

    “What do you even do in the inventing room?” Arthur asked, as the other children scurried about to look at all the uncontained dangerous chemicals.

    “We invent.”

    “Thanks.”

    “What’s this!?” Alfred yelled from across the room, “Oh and what’s this bloody thing on the floor!?”

    “That is a full course dinner gum machine,” Francis told him, walking over to where Alfred was, “and the latter is a left over dismembered Oompa Loompa penis from when the Oompa Loompas thought it’d be funny to print 1000 copies of the nude I accidentally sent to Roderich instead of the group chat with the health inspector and the one waitress I met at Hooters when I was 10.”

    “TMI dude.”

    “O shitt I forgot that you’re children.”

    “Nevermind that,” Lukas said, walking over to Alfred and Francis with his mom, “did you say gum?”

    “Yup,” Francis motioned to the gum machine, “a three course meal stick of gum!”

    “Can I have some?”

    “Eh I probably should say no…” Francis pressed a button that read  _ Chicken Nuggets, Fries, and a Blueberry Smoothie _ , “Whatever, don’t eat it tho.”

    Lukas stared Francis dead in the eye, grabbed the newly produced gum, and popped it into his mouth.

    “Kid, don’t do that.”

    “Tasty,” Lukas said, with only a slightly less un-emotional look on his face.

    “Spit it out child.”

    “No.”

    “Enragement child, spit it out.”

    “No.”

    “Lukas,” Ms. Natalya Buregard said, her eyes almost popping out of their sockets, “Your nose…”

    “My nose?” 

    “It’s turning blue.”

    “That’s violet,” Mr. Feliks Salt said, doing his nails again with the nail polish he snuck in, “you uncultured swine.”

    “Do I give a shit?” Ms. Natalya Buregard said, eerily calm considering what she did next. She pulled out a knife on Francis, “Bonnefoy, turn him back not-blue.”

    Francis raise his hands and backed away into the gum machine, “Well let’s not get too hasty shall we?”

    “To hell with hasty,” Ms. Natalya Buregard said when she saw Lukas puff up like a balloon.

    “It’s the blueberry,” Francis said, “We’re still working out a few kinks.”

    “And you’re a pedophile!” Ms. Natalya Buregard yelled, “Talking about how my son has kinks!”

    Lukas, Natalya, Tino, Mathias, Arthur, Feliks, Alfred, Matthew, and the Oompa Loompas started chanting, “Perv! Perv! Perv!”

    Then the Oompa Loompas’ chanting turned into another song, and a piano with Roderich 2 playing it rose out of a bucket of chemicals. By the end they were rolling Lukas away to the juicer, and Roderich 2 was taking Ms. Natalya Buregard there.


	7. Arthur Salt - Chapter 6

    “Okay, that’s enough of the inventing room!” Francis said, quickly prancing out of the inventing room, not even checking if the remaining children and guardians were following him.

    They all entered a long hallway with many doors, “If you see a door you want to check out, just say so and we’ll go in. And if you don’t, well, this hallway goes across the entire factory and takes a day and three quarters to walk the entirety of, what with all its twists and turns and stairs and drops, and such.”

    After walking for just under two and a half minutes, Mr. Feliks Salt asked, “Why do you have a nail polish room in a candy factory?”

    “Ah, but you see Feliks,” Francis said going over to stand in front of the door, “flavoured nail polish is all the rage right now in France and Japan.”

    “Haha gay.”

    “You can speak.”

    “And you can suck my dick if you want.”

    Francis passed Feliks a piece of paper with his number on it. “Anyway,” Francis said as he opened the doors, “the nail polish room.”

 

    This was probably the only room that had people instead of Oompa Loompas working in it. There had to be about 100 people working in the one room, all separated into 3 groups; production, testing, and new flavour making.

    The room also for some reason had a spiral and a hole in the middle, and every 5 seconds or so one of the workers would throw some nail polish behind them and into the pit.

    “Why does this room have people,” Tino asked, “and not Oompa Loompas??”

    Francis looked at Tino as if he just asked why people breathe, “Because you have to have Polish people making the polish, otherwise it just isn’t good polish. Its un-Polished polish.”

    “Are you the polish then?” Feliks winked at Francis.

    “Yes.”

 

    “Daddy,” Arthur said to his father once Feliks and Francis were done flirting, “I want a Polish person.”

    “Uh I think that’s called slavery,” Alfred said.

    “Shut up,” Arthur snapped at Alfred. Like physically snapped, not just the other way to say said, he snapped, “I get to say what’s slavery and what isn’t, and I say that as long as the person is Polish it isn’t slavery!”

    “Nazi.”

    “Why you little cunt!”

    “Fight me.”

    “Okay maybe that would be a  _ bad  _ idea children,” Mr. Matthew Teavee, for pretty much the first time in this fic, intervened.

   “Suck my ass dad,” Alfred said, but still did not throw some hands.

    “Anyways daddy,” Arthur said once again to his dad, “I want a Polish.” Feliks ignored his son, and instead shamelessly stuck his hand down Francis’ pants. Francis didn’t protest. Scoffing and rolling his eyes, Arthur pompously walked down to one of the workers. Quietly so the worker didn’t notice him, he took a potato sack from his pocket and put it over the workers head.

    The worker screamed like a banshee, successfully catching the attention of everyone else in the room. All the other workers looked up at their screaming brethren, and all simultaneously ran over and tackled Arthur.

    “Ah shit!” Arthur screamed, as the workers dragged him towards the pit in the center of the room.

    “Oh dear,” Francis said, while taking no attempt to stop the workers, “the garbage chute.”

 

    As soon as they heard Arthur hit the bottom of the chute, some music started playing and Roderich 3 and a piano lowered from the ceiling. Some other Oompa Loompas also flooded into the room and started singing.

    During the song Feliks slowly approached the garbage chute, despite ignoring his son for 99% of his life he did care for him. As he looked down Feliks couldn’t see a single thing farther than five feet.

    Then the worker who almost got kidnapped ran towards Feliks and kicked his ass, knocking him into the chute as well.

    Francis shed a tear.


	8. Alfred Teavee - Chapter 7

“Will they be alright Mr. Wonka Bonnefoy?” Tino asked as Francis led the last four people to an elevator.

    “Perfectly fine,” Francis said with a dismissive wave of his hand, “Now, this elevator will bring you to any room in the factory, any at all. Pick one.”

    As quickly as lightning Alfred pressed a button. Francis, Tino, Grandpa Mathias, and Mr. Matthew Teavee didn’t even get to read what he had pressed before they were whisked off to a very bright room with a giant camera and old fashioned TV in it.

    “Ah, the TV room! Can’t say I didn’t expect that,” Francis said as he stepped out of the elevator, “Make sure to put these on before we go any further tho,” Francis passed them all safety goggles, and the all put them on.

    “So I only see one TV in here,” Alfred said.

    “Noooo. Is there?” Grandpa Mathias asked.

    “Idk man.”

    “You’re right me neither.”

    “Well what this room does,” Francis said, interrupting the moment between Grandpa Mathias and Alfred, “is transport chocolate into ads on TV. So you could just grab one out of the TV, easy peasy lemon squeezy.”

    “Wouldn’t that be like, really hard dude?” Alfred asked.

    “Like difficult difficult lemon difficult,” Grandpa Mathias added.

    Francis stared at Mathias, “Difficult difficult lemon difficult is dead.”

    Mathias dabbed.

    “Though to answer your question,” Francis said, “yes, it is very hard. Extremely hard. Almost as hard as me.”

    “Cool!” Alfred shouted, “Show me!”

    Thinking that Alfred was asking for him to show Alfred his dick, Francis reached to unzip his pants. However at this moment Francis remembered his recently deceased lover, Feliks, and mourningly decided that Alfred was asking about the TV thing. Francis sighed and yelled at the Oompa Loompas to start the machinery up. The Oompa Loompas did, and placed a giant chocolate bar onto the stand. Five seconds before the machinery transported the chocolate, Alfred ran up onto the platform and on top of the chocolate bar so he’d get transported too.

    “ALFRED YOU IMBECILE!” Mr. Matthew yelled, running towards his son.

    And just like that, Alfred was torn atom by atom, launched into the wifi, and re-put together in the TV. Only smaller. Much smaller. “Cool!” his now very high pitched voice yelled from the TV, “I’m in TV!”

    Mr. Matthew let out a shriek, “Alfred! What- I- You little shit!”

   “Go hump a moose old man!”

   “Low-blow Alfred, we promised never to talk about that.”

 

    Francis ran over to the TV and with two fingers pulled Alfred out, “You know if you wanted to be on TV you could’ve just became an actor Alfred.”

    Alfred shrugged and murmured something along the lines of, “Not the same.”

    “Roderich 4,” Francis said, “once you appear with your piano and finish your song can you take Alfred and Mr. Matthew Teavee to the Laffy Taffy Stretching Room?”

    Roderich 4 suddenly appeared out of thin air with his piano, and just before his song he nodded to Francis as if saying, “Yes sir.”

    Roderich briefly playing his song and then took Alfred into a fist, grabbed Mr. Matthew Teavee’s forearm, and lead them to the Laffy Taffy Stretching Room.

 

     “Okay then,” Francis said once it was just Tino and Grandpa Mathias in the room with him, “It’s just us now.”

    “So does that mean I’m the kid who wins?” Tino asked.

    “Yup,” Francis said, and took out a knife.

    “What the fuck???” Tino asked, backing away.

    “My Oompa Loompas only eat human meat,” Francis shrugged, “how else am I supposed to feed them?”

    And then suddenly Grandpa Mathias regrew his legs!!! “HIYAAAAA!!!!” Mathias screamed as he karate chopped Francis with his crutches.

    “That’s rude!!!” Francis screamed as he died bc apparently crutches can kill with one karate chop. 

    But then, gasp! All four Roderichs snuck up behind Grandpa Mathias and Tino and ate them with their sharp ass teeth!!

    And then Yao, and Ivan, and Kiku, and Lovino, but not Feliciano bc he has dementia and has no clue wtf is going on, were sad.

 

**The End, Motherfuckers**


End file.
